I learned something about myself today. I rarely ask others to do anything for me. Some think it is because I don’t think I need their help. I know that is not true. Other times it is because I hate to inconvenience others. But today I realized even that comes from my fear of being told no. I had moved 13 bales of hay about 100 yards from the front of the house where the pasture is we are r
enting to the barn. The whole time I was moving the hay two men in their 40’s or 50’s stood there and watched while they gave their attention to a project they were working on. They would comment on my work. Then one of them said, you should have just pulled your truck around here to the barn. They were standing in their drive way right next to the barn. Trying to be gracious, I responded that I did not know if it was alright to pull through there to the barn so I had opted on the side of safety but if it was okay the next time I would take them up on the offer. I hauled more stuff from around the other side of the house and after a few minutes the gentleman came back and said he had reconsidered it and it might not be a good idea. He gave a couple of lame excuses about just not sure they would see me if I was parked there and they were pulling out and that kind of thing. It really is not about what he said as much as how in my heart I felt. I felt defeated and wondered why I even asked to begin with. That is when it dawned on my. I don’t ask because I don’t want to be told no. Not really sure what that says about me and I am sure some of you counselors can get to the bottom of why I respond like that, but it helps me to understand me better and know it is not a pride issue for not asking others to help. It is just a part of not wanting to be told no and feeling I have done something wrong. I think I will just have to think more about this.